he night porter wouldnt let us in the front door of the
hotel. Right enough our legs were covered in a sort of
red muck. He made us come 楮 the kitchen entrance and
wh楬e we were walking among 慬l the ovens and stainless
steel Lanna lifted up a ﬂan case and put it up the side of
her shirt then round under her jerkin.
The bar was open so 睩thout asking me Lanna
walked up and bought two pints lager. We just sat staring
at them then Lanna stood up. I led the way to the lift. We
got out on the ﬁrst ﬂoor cause someone had been sick 楮
it. It took a long time to climb the stairs. I kept hearing
liquid splashing and when I turned to look you saw
Lanna had put the pints of lager in the jerkin pockets and
it was slosh楮g everywhere.
We got in the room and Lanna collapsed on a bed.
Without saying a word to me she fell fast asleep. I took
the pint glasses out the pockets and pulled the ﬂan case
from under the blouse. I stripped her and brushed
crumbs off the bed. I tried not to look at her body.
I shuﬀled out on the balcony cause I wasnt going to
get to sleep. You were sure you could see things moving
out in the darkness beyond the balcony edge. Sure
enough, streamers of toilet paper were dangling down the
fronts of the skyscrapers but also every so often the
plastic toilet brushes and the cylinders holding them were
ﬂoating slowly down to the streetlights below. You heard
a distant cheering.
I moved back in to the bathroom where I stripped
and had an ice-cold freezing shower. I used a towel on
me and put on the clean orangey dress from out my bag. I
left my hair wet and put my money in under the bag.
I sat out on the balcony again then after a while I
heard it. I leaned out a little on the balcony and it was
coming from one of the rooms under us. It was greeting.
A grown man greeting. I pushed the wet hair back from
sneaked along the corridor. It was easy to hear what
room it was coming from:
I tapped my knuckles on the door. The guy came
straight up and opened it: my age but shorter, his face
was red with the greeting. He looked right at me.
Are you 慬l right? I says.
He walked back in the room leaving the door open.
I pushed the door wide then edged in. He was sitting on
the end of the bed by the telephone. It was a single room.
He had smooth-looking skin.
My mother has died. It took me a year to save for
this holiday and my brother just phoned to tell me she
died, he says in a Central Belt accent.
I was standing at the corner of the corridor. I saw
that the door behind me was st楬l open though in hotels
it's law they shut. The door springs would have been re
moved cause bound in parcel tape they make good weap
ons for the boys.
W楬l you have to go back? I goes.
Funeral, he went.
I slid down the wall so the backs of my thighs were
on the cool polished stone of the ﬂoor. I sat there at right
angles to the bed.
It's good of you to be concerned, he says.
I'm pretty wasted; cant sleep, I went.
He nodded then sobbed wiping away at his nose.
Listen, I'汬 tell you about my fostermother's funeral,
I says and I started speaking.
sat cross-legged in front then I straightened and held
my face up to the ceiling; my dried hair had fallen for
ward over both my shoulders onto his hairless-feeling
thighs but when it hung down the middle of my back it
felt warm straight away under its thicknesses. I reached
down between my legs to move his ﬁngers correctly and I
was just saturated there. I'd kept the movements going
then devoured it all in quick gulps with my head held
back then I leaned down on him again so my hair fell
fo牷ard over one shoulder and the back felt cool again.
He was breathing quick.
When he was on top he moved too efﬁciently, there
was no go楮g beyond; you knew it was too athletic to be
really rampant but he was an eight out of ten snogger.
Still, I clung to him for gr業 life.
After, he touched each and says, Nice hair, nice
nose, nice lips, nice skin, nice
Thanks, I goes.
Nothing else went on. He was one of those guys the
tide went out on after two goes.
woke. Something wet, maybe bleeding, was by my
hand. I sat up; it was the guy's used ﬂunky. I put my
feet down on the coolness of stone. Holding the rubber
between ﬁngers I walked onto the balcony. I held it up to
my face then swung my arm out and ﬂung the rubber into
the night sky. It sparkled for split seconds and some sepa
rated then it slowly ﬂoated down into the darkness.
I breathed in air and the model city was glorious as
anything. It was very st楬l, the cooling towers of the high
rises had cherry-coloured beacons on top and a汬 the
lights seemed to be a wee bit different in colour. It was all
so beautiful I grabbed the ra楬ing. I sat back in the plastic
chair and saw dawn come over the sea. During the night
they had ﬁnished the new beach and far out on the point
you could see the raked sand appear out the dark and as
it got lighter some people were going down on it to claim
he door to 1022 could only be locked from the inside
so I pu汬ed it behind me and quietly pitter-pattered in
my bare feet up our room.
Where on earth have you been? Lanna sat up.
I sm楬ed and shrugged.
Lanna says, Youve been with a guy on your ﬁrst
night here, havent you Morvy? I'm jealous, she laughed
and started kicking out under the single sheet covering
Cmon lets Immac our bi歩ni lines and get down
there, Lanna says.
veryone was in swimsuits howling, Here we go here we
go here we go, in the dining room of the Hotel Rozi
nante. There was a big bench littered with cornﬂakes and
spilt milk. I got a bowl and piled in as much sugar as
Lanna and me walked over to a table then saw why
it was free. There was a large splatter of sick beside it. We
sat at the end of a table where these guys started whistling
Let's go, Lanna says.
We sat down by the swimming pool where
male couriers were smoking, wearing sunglasses and
counting out money. You didnt get a minute's peace
alone with your hangover and the entire population of the
dining room trooped down the crazy paving to the pool
led by a bee晹 courier with a megaphone.
RIGHT, ALL GIRLS ON ONE SIDE OF THE
POOL AND ALL BLOKES ON THE OTHER
Lanna and me tried to ignore him but since it was
only Youth Med youngsters round the pool it wasnt easy
to blend in with other holidaymakers so we sauntered
over to stand in line with the other young lassies in biki
nis and swimsuits like us. Over the blueish water trem
bling from the swimming pool pump we faced the line of
pale hungover men. The guy from 1022 wasnt there.
RIGHT THEN. LET'S GET TO KNOW ONE
A LITTLE BIT BETTER
SPOILSPORTS NOW CAUSE THIS IS YOUR REAL
HANGOVER CURE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
The courier held up a large jet-black canvas sack.
THE RULES OF THE GETTING-IN-THE
SACK-GAME ARE QUITE SIMPLE AND PER
FECTLY FAIR YOU'LL NOTICE WE HAVE A FINE
SUPPLY OF THESE BAGS. I'M GONNA PICK OUT
A LAD AND A LOVELY LADY AND ASK THEM TO
DO A LIL DEMONSTRATION FOR US BUT BE
FORE WE DO LET ME ADDRESS A SPECIAL
WO剄 TO ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES OVER
THE剅 WHO HAPPEN TO BE WEARING BIKINIS
NOT SWIMSUITS. EVERY FORTNIGHT WE GET
LOVELY LADIES BEING UNFAIR TO THEIR COL-
LEAGUES IN S坉MSUITS. IT'S VERY MUCH
AGAINST THE SPI剉T OF THE FUN SO PLEASE
DO AS YOU 䅒E TOLD OR WE'LL INVOLVE YOU
IN OUR LITTLE CONTEST LATER FOR SPOIL
SPORTS IN BIKINIS. CAN WE HAVE OUR VOLUN
TEERS PLEASE. YOU AND YOU.
Everyone laughed as the couple walked over.
IN YOU GET.
The couple climbed into the big black sack together.
NOW YOU'LL HAVE NOTICED THAT THE
LOVELY LADY IN THE GREEN BIKINI IS IN THE
SACK WITH THE GENTLEMAN IN THE RED
TRUNKS. I'LL JUST TIE THE TOP HERE. NOW,
ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE?
There were mufﬂed sounds and everyone around
the pool except me laughed.
NOW I'M ONLY GOING TO THROW OUR
LITTLE CATS IN THE BAG HERE INTO THE
SWIMMING POOL IF THEY DONT GET INTO
THE SPIRIT OF THINGS. SO. CAN YOU TWO IN
THERE PLEASE NOW
SWAP YOUR SWIMSUITS!
There was laugh楮g all round the pool and people
started looking at each other. Me and Lanna were wear
NOTHING TO BE SHY ABOUT LADIES. IT'S
GREAT FOR YOUR SUNTAN. RIGHT YOU TWO,
OUT YOU COME.
The courier untied the sack and the couple inside
stood up. Everyone started laughing louder, especially
from the boy's side. The couriers sat up on the diving
board smiled and smoked.
The couple stood with the sack round their feet, the
girl's bare bosom seemed awful white in the bright sun
and she was holding up the big baggy trunks with both
hands; the underneath of the boy's chin was glowing from
the bright bikini top that was ﬂopped emptily round his
People were whistling and shouting. I says, What a
utter total nightmare.
Cmon Morvern it'll be a laugh; I'm no shy, I'm go
ing topless on the beach anyways, I just hope I get a re慬
honeybunch not some grot, says Lanna.
THATS WHAT I CALL A SPORTING GIRL.
NOW TWO LENGTHS OF THE POOL PLEASE.
The couple splashed in the pool and started sw業
ming along. The lassie had to windm楬l one arm round
and round so's she could hold the trunks on with the
other. The fabric of the b楫ini bottom had tugged up the
A courier shadowed them along the edge 晩
with a camcorder.
剉GHT. NEXT COUPLE PLEASE. YOU AND
I glanced left then right but the courier was point楮g
at me. I walked round the edge of the pool.
CMON NOW. THE VIDEO OF THIS EVENT
WILL BE AVAILABLE IN THE FOYER TONIGHT
I climbed into the sack 睩th a guy who stepped in.
The black material was pulled up to our shoulders by two
couriers. We both sat down then the top of the sack was
gathered up and tied. There was total blackness. Outside
the sack you heard screams and splashes.
Eh, nice to meet you, went the voice in the darkness.
Hello, I goes.
Whats your name then? says the voice.
Morvern, I goes.
Suppose we'd better get on with it, eh? the voice
I sighed and started worming my way out of my bi
READY YET? came from next to us and my body
Just a minute, says the voice.
YOU'D BETTER BE OUT IN TEN SECONDS
OR IT'S IN THE POOL WITH YA.
Is that not called murder? I whispered.
Quick. Hurry up, the voice goes and the material of
his trunks was pushed in my face.
You heard him forcing his leg out and pulling on my
bikini bottoms. Are you taking your top oﬀ? the voice
I stretched round undoing it then held it out. It got
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