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you fucking mad and then you will pee
all over those little annoying kids.’
‘That’s the most incoherent shit I have
heard in a while.’
‘I should write this stuff down. It’s
gold.’
Dhruv waved a middle finger in his
face.
‘Oh wait! You’re the boy who got into
that scuffle with the seniors, right?’
Dhruv nodded. ‘Respect. By the way,
I’m Sanchit.’ He thrust his hand forward.
Dhruv didn’t shake it. ‘Don’t worry, I
use my left hand.’
‘Looks like you use your face.’
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‘Aha. Sarcasm. A dying art I must say.
Where did you learn it? Gossip Girl?
Pretty little liars? 90210? You look the
type.’ Sanchit chuckled, retracting his
hand.
Dhruv looked away.
‘I like how you have got the whole
angry young man thing going about. Very
80s but still very cool.’
‘You would know the 80s. Now fuck
off.’
‘Your vocabulary is painfully limited.
Your parents should have smacked you
with a dictionary.’
Dhruv waved his middle finger again.
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‘Dude, the anger, the brooding eyes,
the mysterious aura around you, the
veiny, big arms, the sarcasm, it’s like
you’re trying to woo me. And if you had
the boobies, I would totally go for you.
In fact that’s one of my long-standing
fantasies. I love a girl with muscles.
Don’t raise your eyebrows like that.’
‘. . .’
‘That’s hypocritical and sexist. You
can be ripped and a girl can’t you? I can
loan you some FBB porn. It’s epic. You
must try it. You will realize how dirty
you’re in your head.’
‘FBB?’
‘Female Bodybuilding.’
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‘Gross.’
‘What? Do you not like the female
form? Or do you feel emasculated in
front of a beautiful, muscular woman
who has bigger traps than yours?’
‘I wouldn’t give a shit.’
‘Check it out,’ said Sanchit and fired
up a video on his phone of a female
bodybuilder stripping naked.
‘That’s the most disgusting thing I
have ever seen in my entire life.’
‘And you’re still looking,’ pointed out
Sanchit and Dhruv tore his eyes off the
woman. ‘Female bodybuilding porn is a
metaphor for the world we live in. It’s
beautiful with all its imperfections, even
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though the imperfections are born out of
its quest to be perfect.’
‘How drunk are you?’ asked Dhruv.
‘That’s not a question. The real
question is, do you want to pee on the
world?’
And just like that, they were peeing on
the world, and they weren’t even high,
and they weren’t even friends.
I Love u Rachu
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17
Traditionally, Freshers’ Day at Delhi
Technological University was more of
an awkward ice-breaker between
overenthusiastic senior boys and naive
junior girls.
‘Fuck this, this isn’t the Freshers’ our
college is known for,’ said Sanchit,
horrified.
‘And what is it known for?’ asked
Dhruv, his eyes fixed on Aranya.
‘Freshers’ Day is supposed to be a
comedy of errors, not this. It’s when
everything is fuck-all. The juniors come
together and prepare horribly
synchronized dance routines, someone
sings woefully out of tune, an unfunny fat
person mimics professors, a boy in a
gunjee does a solo dance performance
ripped off from a Step Up movie without
the dexterity or the awesomeness, etc. A
few girls would vomit all over
themselves, a junior would be bashed up
by seniors, an odd senior would get a
lucky blowjob behind the flex posters,
and a handful of students would be
expelled,’ said an exasperated Sanchit.
‘They are breaking the tradition, damn
it!’
At the helm of operations of this
year’s party was that psychotic bitch,
Aranya. She had cruised her way into the
cultural fest organizing team, the IEEE,
the debating team, and had turned out to
be a professional ass-licker. Aranya was
running the machinery with military-like
discipline.
‘This is so fucking corporate!’
complained Sanchit. They were sitting
outside the single-storey structure where
the first-year students were organizing
the Freshers’ Day with a seriousness you
associate with finding a cure for cancer.
Things were clearly tense.
‘The girls had to go through rigorous
auditions before they could make it to
the dance routine. The group has only
five girls now. Imagine! Last year there
were fifteen, most of them with big
titties,’ continued Sanchit.
‘Is there any time you don’t objectify
women?’
‘I objectify men, too. Don’t think I
have not noticed your bulge.’
‘You’re fucking incorrigible.’
‘Don’t you want to say something?
This is our heritage. Fucked-up
Freshers’ parties is our forte! Our
college’s rich history is embellished
with screwed-up dance routines, lights
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