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nightmare. This is a very bad joke. This
is a very bad joke. Why are you saying
all this? Why are you saying this? Don’t
say this. Just shut up! Why!’ She was
crying into her palms now. Her
shoulders heaved with every snort.
‘I’m not joking. And I didn’t need to
ask you. I know how much you look up
to me. I have been in your place. I have
looked up to my professors, even loved
them. But that’s all they were. And you
know what people say about me, right?
Of course you know about Smriti and the
other PhD students? What’s to say I
wouldn’t do that again, huh? I can’t
promise that to you. What will happen if
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I stray? Love’s too risky, too
complicated, Aranya, and maybe it’s not
love at all.’
‘We could give it a shot? Make rules
and stick by them? Be pragmatic as you
said? Couldn’t we? And you said love
and relationships are a compromise,
didn’t you? You could choose to not
have any more Smritis and I could
choose to still pursue my ambitions and
so could you and we could be together!
Unless you’re joking. If you are, then I
didn’t say what I just did.’
Raghuvir took a long pause as if
thinking about it. They had laid out their
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cards on the table. ‘That night when you
were drunk, you talked about Dhruv.’
‘I hate him,’ said Aranya, almost as a
reflex.
‘Isn’t he outside? Leaning against his
motorcycle? Not wanting to let you out
of his sight? Hatred is a strong emotion,
Aranya, and you don’t feel it for
someone worthless. And if he’s worth
something, he might be worth loving at
some point. I don’t want to risk anything.
If you get into a relationship with me, it
will end whatever chance you have with
Dhruv once and for all. I’m not saying
you should be with him—because quite
frankly, the guy is a prick—but the
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question is, would you be able to live
with that choice? There are way too
many questions for you to answer,
Aranya. I don’t think you’re ready.
Neither am I. I’m just starting to get my
bearings back.’
‘So you gave up on me?’ asked
Aranya, wanting to fall in love with
Raghuvir, however make-believe it
might be, making all the compromises he
was talking about, aching to hold his
hand again.
‘I didn’t give up on you, Aranya.’ He
sat next to her and put his arm around
her. She, despite her size, fit perfectly in
his embrace. He sighed and said, ‘Dhruv
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doesn’t scare me. It’s not the person I’m
afraid of; it’s the idea of perfect love
that I’m scared of. I’m just afraid it
doesn’t exist and I don’t want to give
you an illusion that it does. I don’t want
your world to revolve around me or
mine around you. We will both end up
dissatisfied with it.’
‘What if I told you that love is a
concept alien to me as well and I’m
ready to make every compromise to just
stick with you?’ Aranya spit out her
words, still wary that he would laugh out
and say ‘gotcha’!
‘It doesn’t work that way, Aranya.’
And then they didn’t talk.
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Aranya sat there reflecting on what
she had just said. She saw Raghuvir get
back to his work, scribbling equations.
What had happened right now? Would
she snap her fingers and find herself in
her hostel bed? Snap. No. Why would he
say all these things?
He disappeared into the kitchen and
came back with a flask of coffee for the
journey. Of course, she could love him.
She was halfway there already. And they
would make a ridiculously talented
team. That’s all that mattered.
‘So you will not come back?’ asked
Aranya.
‘No.’
‘Just so you know, if you come back, I
will be there for you. I haven’t
experienced love, imperfect or perfect,
and I don’t know how you can hurt me
but I know this that if you ever think
about us, I will be with you. Just know
that I would be okay with making all the
compromises that are to be made in a
relationship. No matter how desperate
that sounds!’
‘That doesn’t sound desperate at all.’
Aranya started giggling at the
ridiculousness of it all, a pathetic, self-
loathing, self-hating giggle. She plonked
down on the couch, shook her head,
trying to absorb everything. Something
changed in her; she could feel it. Like
gears set in motion, changing their
orientation, slowly transforming her into
another person, a better person. A few
minutes later, she spoke. ‘You know
what, Sir?’
‘What?’
‘When I was little, I always craved
for attention from the boys in my class.
But I also knew I was unattractive. Even
as a child, I would look at other girls
around me and wish I could be like
them. I would check my desk every day
for letters from boys who like me. There
were none for me even as others got
dozens.’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Because it matters.’
Raghuvir poured a cup of coffee for
her from the flask and gave her the rest
to carry back.
Aranya continued, ‘So I started
writing letters to myself and would keep
them where people could find them and
give them to me. The teachers finally
caught on to it. I had to change my
section because I was teased and chased
down hallways. My mother thought I had
lost it. My father stopped talking to me
for an entire year. And so I started to
teach myself to hate boys. Slowly, I
became good at it, so good that I hated
almost everybody. I still wanted
attention though,’ said Aranya, almost
wanting to share the details of her Skype
sessions. ‘You don’t want to know what
I did for it.’
‘You’re lovely, Aranya. That’s all
I’ve got to say.’
Aranya should have been happy right
now. This should have been her moment
when she could look back at the world
and shout, ‘Fuck you, fuck you, world.
Look at me now. Raghuvir is in love
with me. RAGHUVIR. Fuck you for my
body fat percentage, fuck you for the bad
skin you gave me, fuck you for my
complexion, fuck you for my shitty body.
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