23
His smile was the most unattractive thing
about him or at least it was one of the unat-
tractive things about him it split his face
open and something quite alien like a pred-
atory mollusk looked out different well I took
his queen in the first few minutes of play by
making completely random moves. He won
the game without his queen. I had made my
point and lost interest. Panama under the
ceiling fans, on the cold winds of Chim-
borazo, across the rubble of Lima, steaming
up from the mud streets of Esmeraldas that
flat synthetic vulgar CIA voice of his . . . ba-
sically he was completely hard and self-seek-
ing and thought entirely in terms of position
and advantage an effective but severely lim-
ited intelligence. Thinking on any other level
simply did not interest him. He was by the
way very cruel but not addicted to the prac-
tice of cruelty. He was cruel if the opportun-
ity presented itself. Then he smiled his eyes
narrowed and his sharp little ferret teeth
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23
showed between his thin lips which were a
blue purple color in a smooth yellow face.
But then who am I to be critical few things in
my own past I’d just as soon forget . . .
What I am getting at is we do not like each
other we simply find ourselves on the same
ship sharing the same cabin and often the
same bed welded together by a million
shared meals and belches by the movement
of intestines and the sound of breathing (he
snored abominably. I turn him on his side or
stomach to shut him up. He wakes and
smiles in the dark room muttering “Don’t get
ideas”) by the beating of our hearts. In fact
his voice has been spliced in twenty-four
times per second with the sound of my
breathing and the beating of my heart so that
my body is convinced that my breathing and
heart will stop if his voice stops.
“Well,” he would say with his winsome
smile, “it does give a certain position of
advantage.”
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My attempts to murder him were usually
in direct . . . knife . . . gun . . . in someone
else’s hand of course I had no intention of
getting into social difficulties . . . car accident
.. . drowning . . . once a shark surfaced in my
mind as he plunged from a boat into the tidal
river . . . I will go to his aid and clutch his
torn dying body in my arms like a vise he will
be too weak from loss of blood to fight me off
and my face will be his last picture. He al-
ways planned that his face should be my last
picture and his plan called for cinerama film
sequences featuring the Garden of Delights
shows all kinds masturbation and self-abuse
young boys need it special it’s all electric and
very technical you sit down anywhere some
sex wheel sidles up your ass or clamps onto
your spine centers and the electronic gallows
will just kill you on a conveyor belt the Dir-
ector there bellowing orders:
“I want you to shit and piss all over your-
self when you see the gallows. Synchronize
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23
your castor oil will you? And give the pitiless
hang boy an imploring look for Chrisakes
he’s your ass hole buddy about to hang you
and that’s the drama of it . . .”
“It’s a sick picture B.J.”
Well it seems this rotten young prince
gives off whiffs of decay when he moves but
he doesn’t move much as a rule has eyes for
one of the prisoners wants him for his very
own fish boy but the young generators are on
the way. Partisans have seized a wing of the
studio and called in the Red Guards. . . .
“Now what do you boys feel about a situation
like this? Well go on express yourselves. . . .
This is a progressive school. . . . These
youths of image and association now at en-
trance to the garden carrying banners of in-
terlanguage. . . . Her fourth-grade class
screamed in terror when I looked at the
‘dogs’ and I looked at the pavement decided
the pavement was safer. . . . Attack enemy
over instrument like pinball. . . . Shift tilt
727/1780
23
STOP the GOD film. Frame by frame take a
good look boys . . .”
“They got this awful mollusk eats the
hanged boy’s body and soul in the orgasm
and they love being eaten because of this li-
quefying gook it secretes and rubs all over
them but maybe I’m talking too much about
private things.”
“You boys going to stand still for this? Be-
ing slobbered down and shit out by an alien
mollusk? Join the army and see the world. I
remember this one patrol had been liberat-
ing a river town and picked up the Sex Skin
habit. This Sex Skin is a critter found in the
rivers here wraps all around you like a
second skin eats you slow and good. . . . Well
these boys had the Sex Skin burned off by
the sun crossing the plain they could just
crawl when they reached the post quivering
sores they was half eaten mostly shit and
pieces of them falling off so I called the Cap-
tain and he said best thing was bash their
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23
skulls in and bury them in the privy where he
hoped the smell might pass unnoticed but
there was a stink in Congress about ‘unsung
heroes’ and the president himself nailed a
purple heart to that privy you can still see
where the old privy used to be other side of
those thistles there . . .
“Now that should show you fellows
something of the situation out here and the
problems we have to face . . . take the case of
ayoung soldier who tried to rescue his buddy
from a Sex Skin and it grew onto him and
now his buddy turns from him in disgust. . .
anyone would you understand and that’s not
the worst of it it’s knowing at any second
your buddy may be took by the alien virus
it’s happened cruel idiot smile over the corn
flakes. . . . You gasp and reach for a side arm
looking after your own soul like a good Cath-
olic . . . too late . . . your nerve centers are
paralyzed by the dreaded Bor-Bor he has
slipped into your Nescafé. . . . He’s going to
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23
eat you slow and nasty. . . . This situation
here has given rise to what the head shrink-
ers call ‘ideas of persecution’ among our per-
sonnel and a marked slump in morale. . . . As
Iwrite this I have barricaded myself in the
ward room against the 2nd Lieutenant who
claims he is ‘God’s little hang boy sent spe-
cial to me’ that fucking shave tail I can hear
him out there whimpering and slobbering
and the Colonel is jacking off in front of the
window pointing to a Gemini Sex Skin. The
Captain’s corpse hangs naked at the flagpole.
I am the only sane man left on the post. I
know now when it is too late what we are up
against: a biologic weapon that reduces
healthy clean-minded men to abject slobber-
ing inhuman things undoubtedly of virus ori-
gins. I have decided to kill myself rather than
fall into their hands. I am sure the padre
would approve if he knew how things are out
here. Don’t know how much longer I can
hold out. Oxygen reserves almost exhausted.
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